Oh, how limited my understanding of the immensity of this word was!
Do I still fully understand it's expanse?
Believer:
From ever since I can remember, I was predominantly a believer; A believer of my own thoughts, my own perceptions, convinced of my own knowledge, confident of my own abilities, a 'faith' guy who wanted others to believe what I believed in. Always trying to make others see my point of view.
I made judgments (implicit/explicit) in my mind about everyone, every country, every business, every animal, every plant, every planet, almost every aspect of life. I used to think that I knew 'at least' something general about many topics (if not all; I can't believe how ignorant I am to think so).
And then I believed in those judgments, so much so that I used to think there are patterns about people, about what people think, what someone will think in given a situation, what people are capable of. And I used to think there are patterns in nature as well (humans are a part of nature itself).
Oh, how foolish I was (or still am, I am still sub-consciously a bit judgemental). By sticking to these beliefs, I am limiting myself so much, I am creating boundaries for my own understanding.
By trying to categorize people into groups basis on their beliefs, or if they are 'similar' to my beliefs, I am again creating boundaries.
By doing this categorization, I am judging people around me, and in doing so, I am defining my own limits; I am limiting my own ability to be surprised by humans and nature, I am narrowing down my own sphere of understanding.
I completely agree with a friend whom I met on a trek: One shouldn't make any judgments. We can only begin to understand a very close friend/family member, but even then, people are dynamic, they are ever-changing. The moment we think we have understood them, they have actually changed/moved from that point.
People aren't lakes with defined boundaries; people are rivers - always flowing, always moving, shaping/re-shaping their banks, silting/de-silting their base/beds.
How can a human mind be a defined entity - it is intelligent, it is smart, and then the fact that time and space are always changing, how can human mind and human nature/behavior stay a constant (or follow any pattern)?
My judgments of a human are my belief that I can define him/her, that I can give a 'general' idea of what that person is, what that person can do, and what that person would think in a given situation.
But that is my biggest mistake!
People are unique, they are dynamic, and given a slight change of time, space, environment, they are always full of surprises.
The only question is: Am I open enough to perceive that change? Are my eyes and mind open? Am I watching closely?
There are no patterns, no categories, no boundaries, only limitations of my mind.
Recently, I heard a yogi mention that to be a believer, one needs to be a part of a group of believers. A standalone believer feels stupid.
And that was my mistake - trying to 'define' myself or 'categorize' myself into one/more of those groups: was I a democratic, a socialist, or a nationalist, or a believer of God, or a non-believer?
Even being a non-believer is like a belief system!
Why define any such boundaries?
Always in a learning mode - always open to new people, old people, new ideas, old ideas, new ideas from old people, old ideas recycled by new people.
Always open to possibilities, open to get surprised, open to acquiring new abilities, open to get more fitter, more physically stronger, more mentally capable, new habits, new relationships, old relationships, new twists in old relationships, new stories, new perspectives, new perspectives from old stories - I think I made my point.
For the people very close to me, all I can do, is be in constant touch with them, constantly seek what they are thinking, feeling; constantly 'update' my understanding of their 'story', and even though that means I will have an endless 'touching' to do - that is the beauty of human relationships :)
For the rest of humanity or the entire nature, I seek to be a student for my entire life-span.
I seek to be always in a learning mode, always aware that I can only seek to know, never come close to understanding the entirety of it.
At this time, I think it is impossible to learn even 0.1% in a lifetime (unless one is 'enlightened'/'Nirvana').
It scares me a lot to feel like a seeker - it is a sea-change after all!
By its definition, I will never be able to measure how much of a seeker I am, at any given point in time. And this itself is a scary concept for someone like me, who likes to quantify/measure my "growth". How does one "count" to infinite?
There are going to be challenging ideas to process, radical perspectives to stay open to.
My mind seems to be conditioned to be a believer - it could take a while getting used to being a seeker.
I heard somewhere that India was always a country of seekers. Ancient Indians always seek knowledge, courage, abilities, and never believed in fixed mindsets.
This is why the knowledge repository collated by Ancient Indians is endless, (Ved, Puranas, Upanishads, Geeta, Mahabharata, Ramayana, Aryabhata, Gurukuls, Temples, Mohinjo-Daro, Harappa, Astrology, Astronomy, Medicine, Mathematics, the list goes on).
And this is why we have the longest list of individual geniuses/stellar human beings throughout history.
This inheritance from my mother-land gives me strength that I will find role-models and stories and anecdotes and maybe some knowledge to stay on this path of 'seeking'.
What's more: seeking new ideas would also help in fueling my creative hobbies (recently made a washroom doormat out of an old towel).
And seeking new perspectives in existing relationships should keep my relationships always fresh :)
Maybe becoming a pure seeker would mean becoming a yogi, and I know that sounds ridiculous at this time.
But even if I could tilt the scales a little bit more from being a 'believer' to 'seeker', I would be much more at peace with my surroundings, be more accepting of people around me, be more balanced, be more in tune with nature. "Aligned", they call it.
This is a sort of diary entry, to remind myself of this shift if at all I am confused at some point in future.
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